When you want it…but he doesn’t

When you want more “sex” than he wants, it does not merely reflect your issues in the bedroom or your sex-life.
Issues about not having the sex or intimacy you want start outside the bedroom and go back to thinking we can’t get what we want in our love life.

Love is much more than sex. Sex is much more than love.

Love includes flirting, playing, longing, delayed gratification, consummating our desires and more.

In longer term dating and relationships, your partner is going to go through phases where they are not so hot for you or where there hormones and love chemicals go through changes. The drop in attraction to our partner is part of creating tension in a relationship, so you can begin the whole cycle of pushing your love away and you can have the feelings of longing and delayed gratification that go along with the “courtship” or hunting phase of looking for a partner.

There’s nothing as hot as “make-up” love after a fight or seeing your partner after a long period of time away from each other. Why? Because we still want that feeling of “not getting what we want” and then dispelling that longing by “getting what we want”. Believing you can’t have something and then finally winning that sort after desire triggers all the reward hormones in your brain and body. And satisfies our needs that start from childhood of feeling we are wanted, desired and attractive.

Remember when you were a teenager and you really liked a guy, but you couldn’t go up to him or thought he was “out of your league”. When you don’t get what we want in your relationship, all and any of your insecurities about being attractive or “enough” for your desired love will be triggered. It takes a lot of awareness of your fears of rejection or fears of not being enough to move outside the trap of thinking there’s something wrong with you.

As soon as you start thinking there’s something wrong with you – this is your cue – to take a step back and ask: what am I feeling and what do I really want.

When you see what your feeling, you can put aside the older fears of insecurity and respond from a clearer space that says: “ok, how can I get creative, playful and light-hearted about this situation?” You aren’t going to make problems in the bedroom go away by being heavy hearted. So better to find a place where you can at least laugh and be creative about it.

For a guy it can be quite intimidating if he thinks you want more sex than he can provide.

For a woman, the real problem is often the quality of sex, not the quantity of sex. Women prefer to have their whole body adored and pleasured and not just focus on coital intercourse. Men often equate “enough sex” with coital intercourse.

Part of any woman’s challenge is to educate their man on the quality of love-making that she wants. Most women want cuddles and men can provide that. But after that there is a lot more of pleasuring for a woman that can be explored.

Another challenge is finding out how your partner can “talk” about intimacy and love-making. Some men and women can’t even stand talking about love-making because all of their insecurities get triggered.

A man’s responsibility is to learn what he can do to pleasure his woman. Not what he thinks will make her happy.

A woman’s responsibility is to playfully be available to pleasure her man in ways that teach him love-making is so much more than coital pleasure. It’s challenging for women to be playful if they are not satisfied with their intimacy because women can get so frustrated when they are not treated well in regards to their body’s pleasuring and their passion for more intimate love-making.

For women to teach her man in a light hearted way, aim to not trigger any feelings in the guy that he “has to please” you or that he’s not doing “good enough”. When a man feels pressured to perform or please – he just can’t tap into his natural ability to give love.

And women, when you are frustrated about not being satisfied in love, channel any frustration into understanding any unfulfilled desires you have to be loved, desired, honored and adored. Sometimes the frustration you feel with your lover is not just about him/her – it’s really about unrequited feelings from all those early childhood desires and earlier romances/relationships.

Go off by yourself and experience being understood by yourself. You can enlist the help of friends, or connect to your body with dance and yoga, but avoid taking feelings of frustration to your partner without having some time to understand your feelings first. I’ve found that when I go off by myself and connect to what I’m feeling instead of blabbing my feelings at him, my partner changes his approach to me, becomes playful and intimacy just happens organically.

Remember, we all fear separation or losing the one we love.

Treat your lover as someone who has this fear and as someone you want to fully experience – so you want to let them know your desire to fully experience them, including their quirks, insecurities and their ability to playfully rise above any of those insecurities.